Cast All Your Anxiety

So next week I leave for Hume (the high school christian camp the church goes to), and I am honestly worried. This is not only because I have social anxiety, but because last year my experience was pretty bad. Now, that's not to say I didn't have any fun, because I did. Mostly what was bad was the fact that I had a panic attack the first day there, and was close to a panic attack every time I had to wait for chapel. That was because the crowds there are huge. And I do not do well in big, packed crowds. I'm hoping this year, since I've been getting better, I can actually have fun and be normal. On top of that, the campus is huge and it's really easy to lose people among other people, especially if they like to wander. For me that is terrifying because I always need someone to latch onto/follow around (I know, pathetic). So if I lose the person I'm with, I immediately panic. Another reason I'm worried is because I get really overwhelmed when I'm presented with a bunch of information that I don't know what to do with. So basically I end up either not absorbing any of it or forgetting most of it.
But here's the thing about going a second time. I know the layout of the campus now, so I won't get lost, and I won't need to latch onto people. I've been accomplishing a lot with being around people, so I know how to stay calm in crowds. I'm working on absorbing information, and how to take it all in without getting overwhelmed. Hume isn't bad in any way. It is actually incredible and fun and enlightening. Now that I know what I'm doing, I can have a good experience. Not to mention I know that I need this and that God wants me to go. That is what is calming my fear. That is what is making me excited for Hume, instead of worried. I can't wait to see what God has to show me and get closer to Him. And I can't wait to help my friends in their walk with God. I don't know what will happen or if things will be different, but I'm confident in my faith that this experience will be incredible.

"He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken" -Psalm 62:6

Hope in Pain

First things first, I'm going to try to post as often as possible. But this summer is really busy, so it might not end up that way. Also, sorry if these posts sound like rambling, because they most likely are. I just write thoughts as they come and hope they are coherent. Moving on:

So I know my mind well enough to know that I go through depressive cycles. And within these cycles, the symptoms are always different. This makes it hard to "detect" when I'm falling into one. However, in the midst of a cycle, I usually just wallow in the despair I'm feeling at that time, and have no hope of the cycle ever ending. Because of this, I usually make no effort to recover. But that is very superficial, and isn't the actual reason I don't try to recover. The reason is a phenomenon called "the fear if recovery", and I haven't been able to get this concept out of my head. The first time I had heard about the fear of recovery, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. It sounded like exactly what was happening with me. Everyone's fear of recovery holds different reasons, but lately I've been looking deep and trying to figure out why I'm afraid of recovery. This is my conclusion: Recovery to me means that I have to be a functional human being, able to live everyday life and accomplish everyday tasks. From the midst of a cycle, this is terrifying to me. But even though I haven't figured it all out, I've realized that bad days are okay. You are allowed to have bad days, no matter what you are going through. You aren't a failure for falling down, you just can't stay there. Recovery is getting back up after falling down, and it's really really hard. But once you get on your feet again you'll be able to see where you fell from a different perspective. And from there you have hope that you got up when you fell and that you can do it again the next time it happens. I know this whole thing has been one giant stream of consciousness thing, but I just wanted to encourage anyone who is going through something: have hope. No matter how hopeless something seems, there is always a solution. I know it's really cliche but it's true. Sometimes its hard to remember, I even have trouble remembering it, but there is always hope. Just don't give up.

 "Joshua said to them, 'Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the LORD will do to all the enemies you are going to fight.'" - Joshua 10:25

Hello hello!

Hi, my name is Paige, and I have a few things to talk about. But before that, let's get some stuff out of the way. First things first, I'm a Christian. This does not mean I'm trying to shove my beliefs down peoples throats, and/or convert them from whatever they were before. I'm just here to share my experiences and hope some good will come out of it. Secondly, I struggle with social anxiety and persistent depressive disorder and am seeing a therapist. Some other "interesting" stuff about me is that I love anime, YouTube, singing, makeup, sfx stuff, etc etc. I'm also not very good at writing, as you will probably notice the more you read. Oh yeah, and this whole blog is probably going to be full of all of the interests I've mentioned, just warning you. Now that we've got introductions out of the way, we can talk about other stuff.

So I'm really bad at praying. If I'm being honest, I think it's tedious and boring, even though I know it's really important. Therefore, I have to really push myself to pray even just a little bit throughout the day. I don't know why it's so hard for me to do because I know it is essential for my spiritual health, but I can't even pray in small group. I think after learning the importance of prayer, especially in my life, I definitely appreciate it more. So I'm working on aligning my prayers with God's will. Now, this is going to take a long long time. But I'm starting small by not just praying "thank you, forgive me, please give me this, amen" prayers. I'm trying to start talking to God like a person, as if he was right next to you. Vent, yell, cry, lean on Him. He is your support and your rock. I still have a hard time talking to God like a person, but I'm working on it. Soon it will be like second nature to talk to Him throughout the day as if He were your best friend you tell everything to. It's really awkward at first but you get used to it. Oh, and even I forget this sometimes, but God is there for you. As in, He is like the perfect best friend. He listens, supports you, is a shoulder to cry on, and gives you advice. It's really perfect. And He's loyal. If you run away, He's there sitting patiently, waiting for you to come back. I really take him for granted a lot. But sometimes you just need a new point of view, and all of the sudden you can see things clearer. Anyway, I'm rambling. The point is, God will always be there for you. No matter what.

"Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven." -James 5:13-15