Hope in Pain

First things first, I'm going to try to post as often as possible. But this summer is really busy, so it might not end up that way. Also, sorry if these posts sound like rambling, because they most likely are. I just write thoughts as they come and hope they are coherent. Moving on:

So I know my mind well enough to know that I go through depressive cycles. And within these cycles, the symptoms are always different. This makes it hard to "detect" when I'm falling into one. However, in the midst of a cycle, I usually just wallow in the despair I'm feeling at that time, and have no hope of the cycle ever ending. Because of this, I usually make no effort to recover. But that is very superficial, and isn't the actual reason I don't try to recover. The reason is a phenomenon called "the fear if recovery", and I haven't been able to get this concept out of my head. The first time I had heard about the fear of recovery, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. It sounded like exactly what was happening with me. Everyone's fear of recovery holds different reasons, but lately I've been looking deep and trying to figure out why I'm afraid of recovery. This is my conclusion: Recovery to me means that I have to be a functional human being, able to live everyday life and accomplish everyday tasks. From the midst of a cycle, this is terrifying to me. But even though I haven't figured it all out, I've realized that bad days are okay. You are allowed to have bad days, no matter what you are going through. You aren't a failure for falling down, you just can't stay there. Recovery is getting back up after falling down, and it's really really hard. But once you get on your feet again you'll be able to see where you fell from a different perspective. And from there you have hope that you got up when you fell and that you can do it again the next time it happens. I know this whole thing has been one giant stream of consciousness thing, but I just wanted to encourage anyone who is going through something: have hope. No matter how hopeless something seems, there is always a solution. I know it's really cliche but it's true. Sometimes its hard to remember, I even have trouble remembering it, but there is always hope. Just don't give up.

 "Joshua said to them, 'Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the LORD will do to all the enemies you are going to fight.'" - Joshua 10:25